Dear Lord God,

10 years from now, I hope and pray that I’m working as a successful nurse in a good hospital in Canada or in the States. I hope I’m halfway in buying my family the great big dream house that they want, the car that they’ve wished to ride in, the life that they never had before. I hope I’d remain single knowing that You’re the companion that would never leave me alone. I hope I could earn and save a lot for the future life that I dreamed of having…the adventures that I wanted to experience, most of all the service that I wanted to give to those who need it most in any part of this world for the sake of my heart’s content and happiness and mostly Your purpose of spreading the love to Your children who barely feel it in this cold world…to return the endless blessings, kindness and mercy that You have given me despite everything I’ve done wrong.

20 years from now, I hope and pray I was able to show my family how much I love them, and give them their desires of comfort in this life as I have dreamt for them. Having them sleep in a bed with soft pillows and sheets…have them eat in a table that allows them to share a gracious meal together…have them walk through shiny marble floors or soft carpets…have them go to places that they could only dream of going…while they’re learning to be thankful of the blessings that You gave and remembering that once we didn’t have it at all. I hope my mother and father would find contentment and peace. I hope my brothers are working hard to make sure that they could provide for their own family and making sure that they live according to Your teachings and words. I hope my sisters could find good jobs and meet good and honorable men with Your will Lord. I hope we’re still together giving each other the support and love a family’s supposed to, in times of need and whatever hardships that this fruitful life gives. I hope each and every one of us learn from it…seeing each as a nugget of gold in a pile of rocks. Help us Lord to see the good in what’s bad…the better in what seems worse…the beauty in things that seemed to be deprived of it.

In Your time oh Lord, may I be able to give it back to You. Please let me be of service to Your people, not only in my homeland but elsewhere. Although I haven’t attained as much enlightenment, I’d try my best to let them also feel Oh Lord that every single obstacle is a lesson, every single pain is a gift and that all of us may realize that no riches or wealth that we desire in this world could ever be at par to the one that awaits us in Your kingdom. I beg You dear God, for this is what my soul deeply yearns and what my heart truly desires.AMEN

-Tasha

            But, I couldn’t do any of those. I couldn’t even feel that way…because I know that I can’t afford to give up. I don’t know why I don’t get tired. I’m nothing but a pessimist yet I still aim to get my family out of this hell and then go out into the world, and make it a better place even if it’s just 0.0000001 %. They always say, “You got a dream, might as well dream big” right? I’ve got a lot of questions. I reckon if making others happy will ever give me the happiness that I deserve in the end. What’s does the future hold for me? I’ve got my whole life planned out. They’d think, “Where’s the thrill in that? Where’s the thrill in seeing your life work out the way you want to?”…I never said that it would work out the way I wanted to. That’s the best part of it…that’s where the thrill is.  I’m ruled by my own choices but never did I ponder if it is right for me…I just thought that it is the right thing for other people, the people that I love of course. But here’s the twist… Am I just selfish by getting to do all of this stuff for other people because I want to gratify my ego? Because I wanted to feel thrilled how this laid-out plan goes? Am I unconsciously disregarding everything about myself for the sake of others because I want to be thanked and loved by others more than I wanted to help? Is the calling that I believe I have confabulated by my delusion of being selfless and not by God? – No…definitely not. These are just my fears. People could get confused about who I really am.

            For years that I have been living this life, I’ve been seeing its different angles. I want to change it, I want to be free from this, I want to free my family from this. Out of this energy-sucking situation…maybe away from my father and all the hate in life that is radiating from him, constantly being transferred to us. We are just helpless. I want our suffering to end…I don’t hate it because I learned from it and I became even more aware about its true meaning. My desire to reach out to others was strengthened by that peculiar dream…by the nun’s sight of my heart’s content…by my faith in God. They say it’s a calling, I say it’s a mission.

            So nobody has the right to say that I’m just some goody-two-shoes trying to be a saint or just a man-hater diverting my hate in another form…you have no freakin’ right to tell me that. You have no idea of who I am… I’m no saint, I’m no man-hater. I’m just human…trying to be strong for others, suppressing my feelings of weakness (because I know that it would destroy me)…my desires…for my choices. We are all trying to dedicate ourselves for something or someone…or else, what are we doing here? What is the purpose of our actions? Aren’t we all trying our best to be happy in the end? This is just my very own way. Before you judge me, just take a good look at your life and see where you’re headed and then get back at me when you think it’s better than where I’m going.

Whew…

Yesterday, was a pretty tiring day for me. I had to go to school early because of a case presentation. Then, afterwards go to the Capping ceremony of Aeolus 2010 to sing together with the UERM Nursing Ensemble at their thanksgiving mass and then suddenly be invited by our Dean to once again, sing at the funeral of U.E.’s Chairman P.O. Domingo. I was happy the ensemble is having a lot of exposure.

But one thing that made me so tired yesterday was to face our conductor and his intimidating attitude. I’ve been assigned to sing the solo part in the song “Luwalhati sa Diyos” because I was the one familiar with that particular part of the song. I am confident that I know the song well because we always sing it in church. What I was not confident about was the fact that I haven’t done any solos before. I used to join singing/chorale groups during my high school days but never was I given the opportunity to sing on my own and having everybody as my back-up and besides, I’ve been an alto, and an Alto 2 for that matter, eversince, I was only promoted as Suprano1 last year during the summer. I thought there was always a first time for everything so I thought it was okay for me to do the task. Never did I thought, that until now, I’m still not over Sir Rey’s way to motivate people. He is the only person that could cause me SEVERE Anxiety. Whenever I’m given the chance to showcase what I am able to do in front of him, alone, I just keep on getting nervous. The other day, I started to tremble and my heart pounded like crazy. Yesterday, looking at him while singing just made me think like I didn’t know what I was going to do…more like a mental block out. I wasn’t able to do everything if I wasn’t taught on the spot or there was nobody guiding me. Good thing, Ma’am Alma was there, she’s Sir Rey’s friend and she had this amazing voice, she comforted and taught me. She told me that I was having the “First Time Soloista Syndrome” and she understands what I was feeling. But, I just couldn’t relax and when I sang the first part, I went haywire. I got the notes all wrong everything was off-tune. It was embarrassing and depressing on my part at the same time. I got everything right on the second part and was able to sing it well but still…

I cried after that. I was so down and I felt like I made a fool out of myself to think that I was going to pull this off. I guess it was all wishful thinking. I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep. Our conductor always get mad at me…I guess, I got used to it. What I can’t get used to is my imperfection. I had to have someone tell me that it was okay, you tried your best. There’s always a next time, you can do better. They did tell me, but I felt it was useless…I thought I was gonna feel that way all night. I never thought that all I really needed was the same thing coming from Sir. During the sign of peace, he squeezed my shoulder and smiled at me while saying “Peace”…and I felt relieved. I can’t believe that it was all I’m waiting for.

              I have sworn and vowed that I would create my own path. A path that no other person will dictate and no other person would ever follow. A unique essence in this world that I was looking for and figured out that I need to break ground on my own. For the first time in my life, I found a concrete definition of who I really was apart from all the pressure of the complexities that I am living with. For a moment, I was someone. Because of the love that this person had taught me, I became whole…but then again, with all of its downfalls and imperfections, I was broken. Do I need it once more? Maybe I do…maybe I don’t…I’m frightened. Written: May 22, 2006

I wrote these seemingly immortal words…a day before the final judgment of my own realm of emotions. The day that I have neglected for years came at last. I know not if it is just mere coincidence or it was God sent, but I’ve discerned this to be a moment that I get to confront my greatest of fears. Hilarious isn’t it? - That I, the girl who was void of emotions feel fear on something that most would find admirable and inspiring. Once there was a time that I had freely let myself revolve around the idea of that dream, love of my life…once there was me…before being crippled with the same thing that I have adored. I was someone whose wish came true but after getting what I’ve wished for I ended up disappointed…I was like a child who has just been told by adults that Santa isn’t true. Now, it’s just merely a part of the past I’ve longed to put behind me.

Countless days it seemed, that I thought about a person so undeserving, it tortures my soul. Countless times I’ve said, without the sight of him, I was lonely…for we…him…was the first surreal thing that I came across with in this pitiful life. I never cried but I kept thinking twice if I was to become happy with the path I’ve chosen, a path without love, a life alone. I kept asking myself, should I get him back? Was everything a mistake I’d regret in the years to come? It was almost like decisions were about to be made for the both us without his consent. Nobody really understood why I opted to let him go. Our separation, for others, was socially unacceptable. Ours was a story which plot everybody knew about, one that was watched out for, like a timeless tale of an eternal love… and like those tales, it was filled with lies. How much of it, I do not want to reveal, for maybe some would criticize me as a coward, much like a fake heroine in this story. These sudden changes weren’t plain and simple coincidence. It was made and happened for a significant reason.

The truth is, He woke me up and showed me which road I should take. I saw it vividly, and in that scene, I didn’t see him or anybody else…it was odd finding out that all those years of dreaming was a waste of time because this, this was just too far from that. Nevertheless, I whole-heartedly accepted it, without hesitations, without thinking twice. And now here I am, after years of steady mind-set, here I stand, double vision-ed with the right choice. It was like I need someone to reiterate me of my priorities. Unbelievable me…just the thought of seeing him made me doubt my destiny. My choices masked my being love-struck all the time. It resembles a huge and mighty wall that hides my great weakness for this one person. I knew never why my heart fell for him, his conceitedness, his distorted ambitions (if there was one), his insane choice of words in serious conversations, and his insensitivity…Committing with him was just like entering a bar, ordering a shot of tequila and drinking it straight up after drowning yourself in a whole case of beer. You cannot tell the difference between a pencil and a pen, or rather, an orange and an apple. Everything is unclear and your senses deceive you, but yet, you still want more of it. After all of this twisted wild-goose chase of the right person to give my heart, this is where I landed. Why still yearn for more of it? Why still want to go back to that sickening instance? Probably, this is a nightmare. Somebody needs to wake me up. Probably, it was just my mind’s memories…memories that are irrelevant and insignificant…floating around my farfetched thoughts.

Thankfully, this chance came, this make-or-break event that would lead me to where I should be moving on. I feared that if I found sight of him, everything would sink back in to me and I’d find out that I was really, after all this time, still feeling something. Waiting for him, I felt my stomach churn. My heart pounded hard. Every breath was fast and heavy. I was nervous and uncomfortable. When I heard someone say that he was already coming, I didn’t glance at the door. I want to take this slowly. I want to be prepared of whatever I brought upon myself for being there. He began to speak…that was the point when everything around me seemed calm. Finally, I found the peace that I was seeking. I had the strength to look at him again and…it was just like seeing another person that I haven’t seen in a long time. I simply chuckled at that zany thought of still being in-love with him, for now I definitely know, that God doesn’t want me to take that other end of the road.

~~The Road So Far~~

- Tasha Camille Z. Enerio -

I know for a fact that I am showing some signs and symptoms of Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don’t know how it started but I know that I didn’t have it back when I was in grade school. Anyway, it just got worse lately…Just the simple sight of disorganization around me drives me insane…of course other than I can’t help but clean it up or fix it, I’d get mad at whoever I know is responsible for the mess.. (one example is a few minutes ago, when I got home from chorale practice and I was really tired and pissed off because of matters I can’t talk about regarding some requirements and..others, then I still get to see the same stuff scattered around the house as I left it while my brother is watching tv and doing nothing about it *I’m telling you, it’s like WWII in action*) I just get so mad and hyperactive and I start doing everything on my own *with some whining and yellin and screamin*. My brother actually called me crazy for acting that way. I’m sorry but I can’t help it…I hate to say this but I think I need a shrink.

A theory is that my norepinephrine neurotransmitters are going haywire in my nervous system and keeps on triggering my SNS to make me do these stuff..Arrrggghhh..Calming myself is a lot of work especially when I don’t have anything, no meds, no nothing, to ensue it. You know the feeling of wanting something and you cant stop but do it no matter what…that’s OCD. And I definitely have it..I can’t believe that I’m a clean freak.:’( Of all the OCDs that could possibly land on me, why does it have to be about cleanliness???..One, is that it is really tiring..second, its really high maintenance, especially if you’re living in a house where they have it as the last priority. I need some help…

After sometime, the girl started to go to school and began learning about new things, knowledge that would open her eyes about the world. She laughed and played with her girl classmates while she cried after quarreling with her seatmate. So far, she can already define it as happiness. It was after a few years when she started to realize the peculiar existence of a specific creature living amongst them and they were called males. Learning about their manner, she knew that something was different when she was around them and one caused her something that she could’ve never experienced with just looking at a new toy. Too young, she did not try to explore the depth of this unlikely cunning sense of excitement, until one day, something unexpected happened to her class at school. It was her last year in grade school and she knows that she has grown already. Seat reshuffling was part of their teacher’s routine to maintain the order of the class. The girl was quite unfamiliar with her new seatmate but she was yet to know what she would learn from him in the end. Soon, she realized that he opened her eyes to a word she barely understood; love. It was luck and fate that had brought the two of them together in that particular seat and she was thankful. Having an idea what love is, she began to recognize how it exists in her world. Her grade school years ended and so did her communication with the young boy who taught her heart about love.

The girl came to experience the consequence of feeling this invigorating ardor…pain. Time went on and yet she still holds on to the memory left of her first love. She promised herself that she would never let go of it. For this, she lived in tears, loneliness and agony of longing for him; even so, she still dreamed and hoped for the wildest fairy tales of love lost and found to happen to her. Hopelessly romantic, she had once again found love in the face of her friend. There she knew that the love she felt before was nothing compared to what she has at that moment. And they lived….

Of course, not happily ever after. That girl –

- was me.

It is after two years and I still haven’t started reconsidering my decision of being barren for the rest of my days sincerely thinking that I owe my life to no one and nothing else but my family and of course, God. I’ve pondered over so many questions about why I gave up my throne of being the Queen of those who are undyingly romantic and the search for my Prince Charming. I understand love in many of its forms but never did I thought, that all of my “giggling” and “fluttering” days would all come to an end, after all it is with these, that that big word starts. I am not insensitive and definitely not frigid. Some say that I just closed my doors after my traumatizing first relationship, but I say not. I was bitter for sometime but I’ve realized that the time I’ve spent with my “true” first love was not all a waste for it made me re-think about my own fairy tale and the question of how I turned from being a hopeless romantic to a hard-core cynic came at its own pace.

Let’s see. It started out as a fear of experiencing another dose of that awful sensation that could only be described as I-don’t-want-to-feel-like-this-anymore. Who would? Really? – Unless, of course, you’ve made up your mind about winning the Girlfriend of the Year award, which goes to the most self-sacrificing, super kind and ever supportive girlfriend in the world. Honestly, if somebody wants to win this call me and I’ll push you over a cliff so you’ll realize that you’re not an elastic rubber who can stand a great amount of trauma. It is a socially acceptable fact that no man or woman is perfect, although they say that practice makes perfect, I don’t think that it is applicable in this particular type of situation. No matter how many relationships you’ve been into, there will always be a point where you’ll say “I don’t think this is working” Being in a relationship is not about who loves who more, it’s about tolerance and full acceptance of one’s imperfections, a long lasting patience and contentment. In my opinion, those are part of the things essential in maintaining the balance of a relationship. Whoever screws up the level of either one these factors, loses. I admit, my tolerance level dropped like the barometric pressure when a storm is coming over my first relationship and that was why I asked for space. Too bad for me, when I was about to occupy that space once more it was already occupied. They say that Scorpios like me, loves long-term. I did love one person for a long period of time. It didn’t become less and it never ceased even if we weren’t together for almost two years, at least I didn’t think it would.

What comes next? You’ll try to make things work and cope up with what happened. For me, that was having another person to woo me in my dark times, hoping to give me the kind of light I wanted, so I got myself a new suitor. He was right off sweet, caring but what I see was mostly what he lacks. Not that I’m looking for somebody who’s more of a prince charming or the likes, what kind of person would that make me? I’m just looking for somebody strong enough to stand up and fight to have the heart of the one he loves with an obvious effort. When I dumped him, he cried and said that he was doing the best he can and I was just not seeing it. Maybe…is a considerate answer, or perhaps, I just didn’t bother to look because there was nothing to see in the first place. I liked this guy; I even told him that I loved him somehow, though clearly I did not. I guess it was out of pity. Crying in a public place while intoxicated was not my cup of tea and this kind of behavior needs immediate intervention, so I just did what I had to. Modestly aside, I know that some guys find me pretty. I don’t know how I appeal to their senses but I don’t think I’m anything special and I don’t think that I am…pretty. So I dumped a few more after him and then I came to the conclusion that I am allergic to suitors. So, I took my male-attracting attributes and chose to hide it from them so no one would dare.

I don’t hate men. It’s just that I don’t find it soothing to have someone with me anymore. I hate the feeling of someone following me around like some dope (what a cruel term). It irritates my nerves. When I didn’t consider the phrase “two’s company”, I never thought that cuddling and kissing would be out of my vocabulary. I never belonged to the third sex and definitely not hostile. Sadly, this is just how the way things work for me and I have pledged to never commit with someone once more until further notice.

Getting married with the man of her dreams is every girls’ version of a fairy tale in this life but I, in rebuttal to this idea, always have thought, suit yourself and suffer. I remember clearly that one of my college professors saw me shook my head when she told us there would come a day that she’ll meet us again and by that time we’ll have our own husbands. It’s like she considered my gesture as an unadorned sign that I was not taking her seriously so she asked me, “Why Ms. Enerio? Don’t you want to get married someday?” in a very feisty tone – and of course I said yes. She just told me, “That is not a very good outlook in life.” Raising her right eyebrow at me, I thought that maybe it was her first time hearing something like that from a girl like me. It was peculiar that a person could like just being alone in this world for the rest of her life. I find it a bit eccentric myself, in a way. I am not totally closing the thought of falling in love again, who knows? Maybe I just haven’t found him yet, but oddly, I wish I never would.

Forgive me for using this once more but those who knew me well, maybe about a few years back, would definitely say that I would be the first one to marry among us for I have dreamed of nothing but a love that will last a lifetime and I am not scarce with resources. Now, hearing it just gives me a good laugh. Funny, how the girl who’ve always wanted this fantasy end up wanting to be nothing but a spinster. One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t about being traumatized with extreme emotional pain.

After my break up, I have realized that there’s a lot more to life than just a fancy love story that most ladies are longing for. Finding me talk about this, maybe people would just say that I am still bitter. Believe it or not, I have moved on and my feelings are almost gone. It is too early to say but my mind is like a strong pillar of cement that couldn’t easily be crushed to the ground. On my way, I was slowly picking up the pieces of the answers to the questions I’ve sought for. How did I really become a cynic?

This life is very short so it is like a rule that you must spend your time wisely in order to attain self-actualization. This particular statement doesn’t sound like marriage or settling down, to me. Marriage is one of the most permanent things in this world because when it is when we face God and take vows to be bonded for the rest of our days. Having a relationship could mean getting this far for me and I do not want that to happen. I have nothing against it, really, but isn’t it ironic when despite of being one of the most permanent things in this world a lot of couples every year gets annulled or divorced. I do not doubt love itself, I just doubt marriage and relationships. This is something I think I’ll never try to be good at. Just seeing the people around me get separated and screw up their relationships for reasons I know could be resolved if they believed in the vows that they took, I know it’ll never suit me. This story can never have a happy ending. Somehow, I’ve developed this attitude of treating this kind of things as a joke in reality.

So this is my conclusion: Better be SINGLE than SORRY…I have a much better plan for my life because I do believe that fairy tales could happen in real life but not in the way books tell about them. Fairy tales are about the dreams and goals of those who are passionate about life; huddled together to form the beauty of looking forward to something that your heart wishes to come true. Each and every one of us has every right to create his/her own fairy tale.

One of my dreams before entering college was to become a doctor, or a nurse if I really can’t pursue the former. It’s not really my last choice, like I also wanted to be a writer, a composer, an architect, an interior designer, a fashion designer, a flight stewardess and a pilot, and I almost forgot, I also wanted to be a marine biologist. There are just a lot of things that I want to do with my life and what I really wanted was a fairy tale that doesn’t include a life long commitment with a another person but instead to a lot of people. After doing what I should for my family, I dream to spend the last twenty or Fairy thirty years of my life in missionary work. I’m not being just some do-gooder person who only wants to help just because they want to become a famous Samaritan or something, I’m sorry, but I’m not a two-faced wretch. I plan on giving my family the kind of life that they want but after all of it, I know there would still be something missing. Our life is short but there’s just a lot that we can do with it, this was what I’ve realized after my first relationship. I do not know why I just woke up one morning and cried for I felt that I know exactly what my purpose in life was. I could still remember that particular day when all I know is that this is what I desire most. I fear that if I see my one true love I wouldn’t be able to this. I just wish that day would never come. I don’t know what is God’s plan for me but I want nothing more that this…not to live a comfortable and extravagant life…only this. This is my fairy tale.

My castle is a place where people live the best they can out of the things they could merely have and my damsel-in-distress are the people who are in dire need of a helping hand. I believe that there, I could see the true beauty of life…maybe by just being there, I could say that I had a life well-lived…and only then I can tell myself that I lived happily ever after.

This feeling, I know not exactly what it is; why it exists, what was it created in the first place. Why does it make your heart jump like drums playing in a band? Why does it make you tremble whenever some person is near? Why does it make your stomach churn without eating anything? Why does it keep you awake when all your body wants to do is sleep?

This feeling, I know not what it can really do; causing you happiness and then let you feel pain. It makes you whole and then puts you in misery or in the other way around. It lets you give without question but then you get nothing in return. It lets you understand even though it confuses you. It hypnotizes those who give in to it, throwing away their autonomy and giving part of it to another.

This feeling they all call "Love". It mystifies yet gives you hope. It shadows reality yet enlightens you. It gives you no options but makes you so sure. Makes you impatient to wait for but gives you all the patience when it arrives. It gives you what you lack and lets you feel contented.

This feeling can’t be controlled; it cannot be stopped and you will never see it coming. This feeling all humanity sought for very long and most have found. This feeling drowning in contradictions and fills you up with uncertainty yet most say that it gives true meaning. This feeling they all say is special; so it is, but in the worst of sense.

What is it really? Why does everybody want it so badly?

I know not what is the real answer to this question…but maybe, summing it up to words impossible to define…it’s the closest thing we have to magic…

~~tasha camille z. enerio~~

(open for comments)

HOPELESS

Walking in a long straight path,

Awaiting righteousness before turning back,

Looking beyond the future,

While the past, hangs yet to rupture.

In the streaming river, honesty is lost,

Searching for reality and left to a pause,

Followed by dim light, rushed thru the water

Arms rowing tired but still going further.

Under the shining ball, dancing in a mask,

Hiding behind sanity and glaring through glass,

Concealing a gem, too hard to shatter,

Growing in a daze then getting weaker.

Stood up and ran endlessly,

Till a crossroad, halted me

Hearsays foretell, one reaches an end,

While the other one reaches a bend that transcends.

All paths are invariable from each other,

The road to take is just around the corner

But the question lies, which is the right one,

Answers are left dangling, waiting for us to come.

In the never ending wavering, soon came night,

Gave nothing but darkness, burned down the light,

When all hopes fade before it glistens,

A glimpse of eternity is ought to reach its end.

~~Isn’t it obvious that it was written by a cynic? I miss the old days when most of what I write was about hopes, dreams…love, inspiration. Sometimes I feel like I want to be saved from this instance….sometimes…